You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
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is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
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You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
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