I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
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Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
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I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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