I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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