my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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