Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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