The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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