Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
