I wish I could punch you in the face.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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