he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
