Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
