i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
