yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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