Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
