do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
