My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
