I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
