Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
