a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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