i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
