i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
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Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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