so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
