Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
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