God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
