paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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