I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
