If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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