Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
