We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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