So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
