Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just high enough for therapy.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
