One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
