the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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