There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
