Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
