If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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