Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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