What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
