So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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