And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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