respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
