Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She bit a glass in half.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
