so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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