someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
