did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
