Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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