when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
