Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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