"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize