thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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