got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
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He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
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So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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