every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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