he wants to bone in the snuggie
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
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OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
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Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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