Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
