I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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