Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
