feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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