True but thats because hes a fetus.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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