Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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